healthy in paranoid times

Why is it that whenever I think I am moving to the next point in my life - I'm thrown something that keeps me from doing so?
What the fuck am I saying? Well - I finally feel I am past my ex - ready to move to the next step. But the person I thought that was happening with turned out to not want to get into a relationship. I don't want meaningless sex anymore - I'm fed up with it.
I should go back - catch you all up (if you actually read this crap):
I went back for a weekend in October and spent time with Michelle - it worked for the time being - but then I found out she ran back to school only to jump in bed with someone else; who is now her boyfriend - and I think even then was. Needless to say - that hurt. She had already moved on. God knows how many she has slept with since she left me - or even when she was with me. But since she ended it with me - it's been 5 for me - and this new relationship would have been 6.
I didn't enjoy any of them - I was waiting for this girl to kind of commit to me before I did anything - and so I waited - but she isn't ready - whatever.

Being Sick Just Rules!
How would you like to be sick for a week - the couching, the extreme sore throat, the fever, the runny nose, the overall shittiness - only to get to day five and have your eye turn all red, start getting irritated, leaky - yea, probably pink eye.
I'm just waiting to die.

It would be nice if I wasn't sick and behind in all my classes. It would be real nice. But I got back from being home, and got a virus from my ex - how wonderful? So, for being this sick and this in depth with school, I'm in surprisingly good mood. Just watched My Name Is Earl - extremely funny - I suggest you watch. Now it's Chappelle's Show rerun. But I'm going back to sleep.

It was good.
It was good to see her again.
It was good to share a bed with her.
Although the two of us only lasted 2 minutes the first time - it was the best two minutes I've spent in a long time.
But the question becomes: what now?
Do we get back together? Do we keep it plutonic? I think if anything for me - I've come to terms with moving on. Although she is for me - I know she can't be faithful; I know she cannot commit; I know she might want to be with me, but she's not going to be.
I'm in a good mood to be to honest.
It felt great.
But where do I go from here?

This is me - this is my world...Welcome to my head.
I needed to start out with that 6 part thing - partially because I need to document it, and partially becuase I need it out of my head.
But yes - I am back home for the weekend - trying to survive my emotions for tonight. I will be seeing my ex and I don't know how that will effect me. I love her to death, but she has moved on and I need to.
In the last week or so, I've met a few new girls, and there's one I want to really start dating - if she wants to date me.
But I will be back later to tell you - my dog is whinning at me - I need to take him out.

Now, here I sit, a month after being dumped, three days after blowing up at her and finally coming to terms with my singleness.
I am back home for a few days, she decided she wanted to be here too.
Michelle comes back tomorrow.
I see her tomorrow night. I know in my heart of hearts this is a bad idea. I love her and want to see her, but I know this is not a good idea to see her. I need to move on - she has.
She has been fucking some guy recently at Iowa. She claims not to be going out with him - however he's all she's been seeing. This 21 year old fuck - who has been fucking her. She said she wasn't with him when I talked to her earlier. But she avoided me and came on at 5 or 6 in the morning - I'll leave it up to you to decide where she was last night - I don't know for sure, but I can take a guess.
I still love her - but I hate her with a passion.
She broke my heart - for that I don't know how much I can forgive her, nor can I do much about. What am I supposed to do? Just turn off my head?
Maybe.

One week later she wanted an open relationship.
A week after that she had made out/fooled around with some random guy.
A week after that she started to see some guy.
That weekend I confronted her about seeing this guy - she dumped me.
I tailspinned.
I went a little crazy. I needed to feel pain. I started to pierce myself. I stopped working out and started eating. I didn't know what to do.
I tried dating some girl - who was cute, but not as good looking as she was/is. I never did anything with this girl nor did this relationship take off.
Then I went online.
I put my add in the paper.
It sort of worked. I had sex with three different girls in a week. Only one of them was worth anything.
I had sex maybe 14 times with these three girls - I came once.
Michelle had been the only one I had been with until this point.
Michelle.

Michelle realized her mistake.
Realized that what we had meant something. That I was good at pleasing her - was probably the only one that could do it right. [Also I think she needed to get on her mom's good side by getting back with me her mom would probably cool off]
Michelle came to me and wanted to get back together. I told her if she wanted that, we needed ground rules. I wasn't going to be hurt again, like I had been; she agreed.
We spent the last month and a half together. We knew we were just kind of killing time - however, I let my guard down, and let her back into my heart. I grew to love her even more. I was considering marriage. She was my first and only, and I didn't care. I loved her so much.
For the last month, I was on top of the world. It was probably the greatest month in our 3 years. Especially the last weekend - that was absolutely blissful. The best weekend we ever spent together. I had never felt so great.
Michelle went to college.
I visted her before I left for Portland. The weekend I spent there cannot be described in words. It was heavenly, blissful and beyond. For that, I love her.

Three weeks later I was home for the summer.
One week later I was single.
Michelle said it was because I was not giving her enough space - I was being to clingy.
Even though that was our relationship for the last almost 3 years (2 years, 9 months or so).

I took Michelle to her prom. We had a good time - I guess we had one last fuck; before she dumped me two days later.
I couldn't figure out why. What had I done? I had been faithful - she knew that!
Michelle opened a window though, for me to climb through; she wanted to at least still be friends (by friends she wanted me to be around so she can fuck if she couldn't find anyone better). I'm a guy - shoot me.
However, I saw this as her way of starting things up again, or building our relationship back up - because she had said she needed "a break". [Side note: if you want to end something, DON'T EVER FUCKING SAY, "We need a break." People fucking end it. Don't lead the other person on.]
By now Michelle had aquanted herself with a new group of people - people who whispered in her ear to drop me. To go out and have a 'good' time. Meet other guys. She listened.
Michelle invited me into her group of friends without welcoming me. I was an outsider, and 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 20th wheel when I was around her. Everyone else came first before me. I was alowed to look, but not touch, look but not have, look but not enjoy, see happiness but not have it.
I was teased, tempted and mislead.
I thought we were gettig back together - she thought we were just fucking.
After almost three years she was able to turn off her feelings and just fuck me - nothing special.
A month of all this crap, and she had to do orientation.
Michelle went to Iowa.
Michelle fucked a guy.
I found this out two days later - I wasn't supposed to.
Michelle blew a guy.
I found this out about the same time as the other guy - I wasn't supposed to. [She had blown the guy before she left, a day after she fucked me, or the day before....not sure. Then she fucked this guy and had me over two days later to fuck me - expecting I wouldn't care.]
Even when I was fucking her - I wasn't supposed to know.

Needless to say Michelle wasn't happy.
Michelle wanted me all to herself - to sacrifice everything - and I wasn't ready to. I needed to go to college.
Michelle was hurt, and started to lose weight fast (I didn't find this out until later - she wouldn't tell me). I had a good time, but I stayed faithful. I spent the first month or so figuring out how much I really did love her, and if I wanted to stay with her. I quickly came to a decision.
Michelle was the one thing in the world I wanted.
Michelle.
I told her how much I loved her, and cared for her. I told her I was sorry for going, but she needed to understand that I had to - which she seemed to understand.
There didn't seem to be any trouble, or at least on the surface.
Michelle wouldn't really talk to me. She didn't tell me anything.
Michelle stated to visit and apply to colleges. She wanted big schools, Big Ten Schools - in the midwest.
So she looked.
MSU, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa.
Eventually she decided on Iowa.
I had spent the entire year - seeing her for a few days a month, and cheerishing those days and talking to her every single day in between. Not one day went by without talking to her. Except one day when she was at Michigan State.
Of course I knew something might have happened. But when I asked her, "Did anything happend at MSU?"
Michelle replied, "Nothing at all happened. I got drunk and passed out."
Michelle lied.

Don't you just hate it when your girlfriend of 3 years starts fucking someone else?
You thought she loved you; you thought you two were commited.
But after a year of almost celebecy, of being faithful to the one person I loved - the one person I saw myself with - she just ended our relationship without a single hesitation.
That's my reason for being here; I need somewhere to vent I guess, without sounding like a bitch or a pussy. I need to let all this anger and rage out. But I think I need to start from the beginning and work my way up to the now:
My name is Ricky. I go to college and I'm at a point where I hate myself and my life. I turned 20 less than a month ago, which makes me somewhat old, but not old enough - know what I mean?
I had a tough high school time; I was tormented and teased and I was always too nice and too reserved in myself to really lash out or retaliate. But, I dealt - made friends, played baseball, had a good time when I could. However, the one thing I always sought and wanted was a girl I could call my own. Eventually, I found her.
Michelle.
The name is bittersweet.
It hurts, and it brings sweet joy to me.
I love her and I despise her.
August 2003, I met her. She was a cute blond, about 5'2", cute smile, highlights and a way about her that was nice to be around. She was quiet, researved and above all sweet. After two simple dates with this girl, I was head over heels for her. Unfortunately, the day after our second date, I had to play a baseball tournament in Baltimore, and was gone for two weeks. The entire two weeks - she was all I thought about. Yes, it had only been two dates, and no I did not know her well. However, that did not matter to me. She was pretty and she was lovable, and she was just fun to be around. Almost impossible to leave and be without.
Her name just seemed to ring in my ears...
Michelle.
I could not get enough of her - I had to see her.
Eventually, we started seeing more and more of each other. After about a month, about a week before my 17th birthday - I lost my virginity. She took it without hesitation. However, it wasn't like you read about - it wasn't romantic - it wasn't sexy - it was UGLY. I had no idea what I was doing, it lasted maybe 10 minutes, and it was all wrong/sloppy. But it got better.
I loved her;
Michelle.
I loved her more than I would ever know.
I love her now more than she will ever know.
I didn't know until later, that she fooled around with someone while I was gone for those two weeks - when we hadn't even kissed yet. However, that is neither here nor there - we weren't together then for sure, there was no commitement - yet.
However, soon we became infatuated with each other; we saw each other endlessly; we couldn't see each other enough. I did my work, played ball and spent time with her. That was my life during high school. 2 years of bliss. We taught each other a lot over those two great years, and loved each other a lot. It was amazing.
Then came college.
I needed to go somewhere small, somewhere away from where we lived - something different to grow as a person. I wanted to play baseball as well. I suppose this was my utlimate downfall - but I never saw it as a problem.
I chose Portland, Or - from Chicago, Il where I am from. It was perfect for me, but far. We could only see each other maybe once a month. But the baseball program wanted me, was for me and so was the school. I needed to go.
So I did.